" Dirty Looie in Glassland" Or " How I Finally Got To The Best Bead Show" Copywrite: LCW 2001

Chapter One---The Woods Wizard---I was walking in the deep woods one sunny day when I came upon a Small Wizard moaning and groaning about something he had lost. He was almost in tears. It was a most pathetic sight. I asked the Small Wizard what he had lost and he said his " best " colored glass. He had obtained them from a man called Henry, who was a Wizard himself at making glass in the best colors. Not knowing what these colors were I proceeded to help the Wizard look everywhere. We found reds and blues and many other colors. But we could not find his"best " colors. I asked him where he had actually found these " best " colors and he said in a mystical place called Oregon, where this Wizard Henry lived. I said why don't we just go to Oregon and get more from the Wizard Henry.So we got on the Wizards camel ( don't ask me why he had a camel) and rode for eighty two days. There was the Wizard Henry. The Small Wizard asked the Wizard Henry if he could get some more of his " best " colors. The Wizard Henry said yes if myself or the Small Wizard could find these " best " colors. I did not have a clue where they were. The Small Wizard asked me to pick him up so he could get close to the Wizard Henry. After all he was a Small Wizard. The Small Wizard slowly moved his hand towards the Wizard Henry' face . His index finger touched the Wizard Henry on the forehead. We had found the Small Wizard's " best " colored glass. It was in the Wizard Henry's mind. So I went to Glass Alchemy and bought indigo luster,aquatic carnival,silver strike three and purple luster to make this bead.

Chapter Two---Mikey Land--- After leaving the Wizard Henry, the Small Wizard and I moved up the Oregon coast to other magical places. After many days the camel needed to rest so we caught a ride on the South end of a North moving aardvark.It took us to an island off the coast of Washing Town. We were in Mikeyland.The Small Wizard and I went to meet Lord Mikey and told him we needed more glass, but it needed to be his " best' colors. Lord Mikey knew the Wizard Henry , so he had the " best " glass. Lord Mikey looked us in the eye and said in a loud, booming, lordly voice---HERE'S THE DEAL !!!. You should have been there. It was a magnificent sight. There was Lord Mikey with his arms outsrteached, palms forward. We had to buy glass from him. How could we not have. We were under his power. As we left with the glass to make this bead we saw that even Lord Mikey was under someone elses power. High above him moving the strings that moved the high and mighty Lord Mikey was Queen Patti. So we went up a tree house with a full glass studio and made this bead. an island off the coast of Washing

Chapter Three---Crazy Swirl--- The Small Wizard had powerful magic for his size. After all he had talked an aardvark into letting us ride him to Mikey Land. But aardvarks have tiny feet that go beep,beep,beep. And he grew tired . I picked up the Small Wizard and off we went. The weather turned dark and stormy . It reminded me of stories that the Wizard Henry had told while we visited him in the mystical land of Oregon. We had been around a massive fire as the Wizard Henry told of reaching into the belly of the earth and grabbing the raw elements that would be mixed for his " best " colors.He told of huge caldrons of molten glass swirling and twisting and twisting and swirling around in his head until they flowed thru his fingers and into the waiting hands of only the most deserving glassworkers. Fortunately, that was us. So the Wizard Henry gave us indigo luster, teal carnival, silver strike three and purple luster. A bead was made and it was made to swirl and to swirl and became this bead that you can hold in your very deserving hand if you are the lucky high bidder.

Chapter Four---The Feline Gracie---These three beads are all that were left after the Feline Gracie had her way with a fourteen pound sack of wonderful beads.I had been traveling with a Small Wizard I had met in the deep woods. Every twenty two years Wizards need to do a long sleep to restore their powers. This was that time for my Wizard friend to sleep. He explained how all Wizards must do this sleep. The only exception was the Wizard Henry.As my Small Wizard drifter off to sleep I gathered my thought and left for the Enchanted Land . After many days of travel I stopped on a high desert mesa. I was tired and thirsty. Along came a creature who called herself the Feline Gracie. she seemed quite rude, almost nasty. She said she had a gift for me from a Wizard named Henry in a far away land. But first she whistled and eight butlers in red suits and top hats brought food and drink. After this great feast the Feline Gracie said she was ready to present me with her gift from the Wizard Henry. She backed away from me and from deep in her throat came a howl. Her eyes got very big and then she blew---furballs--as far as the eye could see. Furballs of purple luster, amazon bronze,blue luster, silver strike three and many many others. Now her eyes got REALLY big and up came a bench burner, some welding tanks, a refrigerator, a couch, an annealing oven and a real comfy chair. This was one tired cat. We made beads for nine days--fourteen pounds of beads. I was very tired so I took a small nap. When I awoke all the beads were gone except for these three. The Feline Gracie had started to play with the beads. She had so much fun that she knocked all of them under the refrigerator and couch. She said that was where they belonged.I believe these three last beads should belong to the highest bidder.

Chapter Five---Mime Luster Glass---I now am traveling with my new best friend,Feline Gracie. She is not a picky eater as Felines go, and her ability to bring me anything inside a furball is a great asset. Why only yesterday we came to a great void in the earth. It was very, very deep. I thought I saw the Wizard Henry deep in it gathering huge armfuls of fire, but I could be wrong. This void was far too wide to leap across. Or so I thought. Just then fourteen mimes came running up doing those mimey things they do. After deep discussion they formed a vertical human chain , one mime on top of the next. They were towering over ninety feet tall. On command they started to fall forward. At the very last second the top mime grabbed the opposite side of the void. Feline Gracie and I were speechless, but only for a second. Feline Gracie did her funny swirl dance coughed up a unicycle, and a top hat. I put on the top hat and we rode the unicycle across the bridge of mimes. On the other side I thanked the mimes. Feline Gracie needed to stretch but did not have anything to attach her claws to for a really good stretch.She looked around and spotted the two hands of the closest mime. She dug her claws in and did a real good Feline Gracie stretch. The mime yelled, all his fellow mimes were so struck with surprise that they all let their hands go. We now had fourteen mimes falling into this deep, deep void with fire below.As they approached the flames they were quickly vaporized into fourteen small bicone beads. But we did not hear them hit bottom. Instead we heard a voice from below yell up to us. " Hey, I got a new color. Who would like some mime luster".It was the Wizard Henry. Always working.

Chapter Six---The Castle Burgard---After crossing the great fiery void using the mime bridge the Feline Gracie and I continued on out quest for the Enchanted Land. Halfway into the land we met another Wizard. He dwelled in the Castle Burgard. His mastery of earth and fire was far different than that of the Wizard Henry , who worked with glass. The Wizard Greg works in two extreme worlds, wax and brass. The Feline Gracie was kept quite busy trying to swat at the Wizard Greg's hands as he gently carved wax images. One was of the face of a goddess. The wax image was turned into a brass mold which the Wizard Greg gave to us to use. The Feline Gracie went off to nap and I found a torch station in a small room of the Castle Burgard. I made two beads using the mold the Wizard Greg had given to me. One was made using purple luster and another was made using indigo luster. I went to look for the Feline Gracie . She had caught many rats and tied them to a small cart that she brought up in three medium sized furballs. So off we went in the rat-powered cart. It had very big, soft wheels for a smooth ride. We would have made better mileage if the Feline Gracie did not have to bring along her big sun umbrella. We were now on our way to the Land of Silly Beads.

Chapter Seven---Rat-Tail-Rope---The idea of a rat powered cart driven by a rude, nasty Feline Gracie might not have been the best way to cross the Enchanted Land. There is still actual bubonic plague in this area. After the third hour the Feline Gracie could not tell if the fleas were coming from the rats or my beard. We still had many days to travel to the land of silly beads. Half way there we ran into a huge canyon. How could we cross that? The Feline Gracie had been sleeping most of the trip. She awoke refreshed and noticed we had stopped. She said it was time to get rid of the rat-powered cart, but not the rats. Or at least all the parts of the rats. The Feline Gracie took a long yawn and stretch and then did her furball swirl, followed by a low howl and out it came. The first furball was small and only contained a pair of scissors, a hammer and a tent peg. The second furball was huge. It contained an air sock, a winch , a crossbow , a set of lounge chairs and a diet coke.This was a sight to see. Not being a great talker the Feline Gracie went right to work. She unfolded the lounge chairs and had me sit down and pawed me the diet coke. You wouldn't expect her to hand it to me would you? The Feline Gracie took the rats aside and explained to them that they were free but she would need their tails. So one by one she took the scissors and removed all the hundreds of tails from their respective rats.These were quickly tied together into a very long rope.At this point I got the idea to do the string of beads that are for sell below. I had now finished my diet coke and drifted off to sleep. The next thing I know is that I am flying thru the air naked with only a top hat on.What had happened in the short time I had slept.? This is what happened--as soon as my eyes closed the Feline Gracie went to work as quick as a flash. She used the hammer to pound the tent stake into the ground by my shoulders. She attached the winch to a strong tree stump and grabbed the crossbow. She tied the end of the rat-tail-rope to an arrow an let it loose on the tallest point of the tallest tree . This was attached to the winch and the Feline Gracie winched the tree down till it was bent in half and ready to spring. Now she tied the rat-tail-rope to the tent stake with a second rat-tail-rope thru my armpits. I was still asleep when the Feline Gracie cut the rat-tail-rope at the tent stake. The jolt was so powerful that I was stripped out of my clothes and only had my top hat on. As I was sling- shot thru the air the rat-tail-rope broke and I continued straight towards the Northern realms of the Land of Silly Beads. As I looked down at the Feline Gracie I saw the wind sock aiming the same direction I was going in. This was one smart Feline Gracie. Way too much story for seven beads.

Chapter Eight---Dominatrix Sharon---When last we left I was flying thru the air over a grand canyon towards the Land of Silly Beads. The fact that I am naked except for a an old top hat is of no concern, unless you are me. You know that thing where they show something entering earth from space, and you approach nice and slow; it is not that way. Wind is rushing past me so fast that I am actually getting bruised. My pony tail is acting kind of like a rudder and I am heading for the center of the Land of Silly Beads.By turning my head side to side I can almost steer. They never have enough lakes when you need them. I can just make out what may be the center of this strange and silly land. There are all kinds of wonderful colors, Blues, greens, yellows, reds, and all mixtures in between. I wish you all were here with me, or better yet, instead of me. The colors are so wonderful. They are getting brighter and prettier as I get closer and closer. Of course it could all be just gray, after all , I am color blind. Closer. Closer. Faster. Faster.Oh No. Oh No. Closer. Faster. Closer. Faster. Oh No.Oh No. I'm going to hit. Oh Noooooo. I'm going toooo BOOOIIINNNGGG. Boing?. Not Splattt!!. I feel nice. I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. This is so strange. " Hi". I spun around . There was the Small Wizard from the deep woods.What was he doing here. " Took you long enough. I been here for three minutes".Then the Small Wizard grabbed his rat-tail-rope and lassoed me a diet coke from atop his open cooler. The Small Wizard was the Feline Gracie. " Would you expect me to be a dog?" Looking around I was amazed at all the wonderful colorful beads. They were every where. There were beads like kids;beads like animals, beads like animals eating kids. It was cute. It was odd. It was strange. I felt cute, odd and strange also. I also felt like I was not on the ground. Oh No! I am really dead. I am floating. I am an angel. " You an angel? Ha!. Look down you fool." Said the Small Wizard. I looked down . I was hanging from a clothes line . I had landed in a blue/burgundy dress with small swirl of orange and red. Or there could be lots of gray. The dress fit nicely and didn't make my hips look too big. I didn't even mind that it was backless. As I got down from the clothes line , with a nice off/white and gold handbag to hold loose change, I heard a door slam. " What are you doing in my yard"? It was now that I realized there was only one dress on the clothes line. Everything else was uh, well it was uh, all leather. Well, actually all leather with lots of brass. Well, lots of leather and lots of brass and lots of steel and whips and sharp pointy things. "So!. Why are you in my yard?And why are you so purple all over"? Would you believe I got bruised by the wind? I said. " Why sure." She said. She was the ruler of The Land Of Silly Beads. It was the Dominatrix Sharon.Oh No!!! I realized I had landed in the direct center of the Land of Silly Beads. I had landed in the yard of the Ruler of the Land of Silly Beads. The Small Wizard-Feline Gracie and I went into the house and I made this purple, purple, purple bead. What else could I do. After the bead was make the woman of the house gave me some nice men's clothes. I asked if she would be so nice as to not tell anyone about the dress thing. She said she would not tell a single person. How could you not trust someone named Dominatrix Sharon.

Chapter Nine---The Troll and the Unnamed Fool---As we left Dominatrix Sharon's house she told use to go up the narrow lane to a hamlet in an adjoining land. A hundred yards before the town of Elky Bits was a small stone bridge. A fast strong river passed under the bridge. It was quite a pleasant looking setting. But under the surface things were not all that calm and innocent. It is a well know fact that trolls often can be found under some bridges. And even rarer is the bridge that is home to a troll and his unnamed fool. But I move too far ahead. This quaint bridge has no troll or fool. It has next to it a waterwheel running a mill that grinds minerals and metals. It was in an ideal setting. There is merriment abounding . It is a happy place. For this is one of the many workshops of the Wizard Henry. Many ingredients are crushed to be mixed for making the best glass for miles around. The Wizard Henry is sitting on the side of the river as Small Wizard/Feline Gracie and I approach. He looks puzzled . He has been working tirelessly on a special formula for a special color. He does not even know who this color will be for. He just knows if he makes it they will come and buy it. It just lacks that special secret ingredient. It has been frustrating the Wizard Henry for a very , very long time.Thru all this time the Wizard Henry would sit by the river bank and ponder over his deep thoughts. Most of the time he watched a lone man toil on his land on the other side of the bridge . We talked with the Wizard Henry a bit . He suddenly bolted upright as if he had the answer to this deep problem. But it was not his formula that captured his thoughts, it was the man working in his field. From a distance you could not tell easily, but it almost looked like there were bells on the man's hat. Was this unnamed man a fool? If he be a fool could not there be a troll about? Oh No! The three of us walked towards the bridge to get closer to the man working in his field.It was not a field. It was a pond. A beautiful manmade pond. It looked as if this man, or fool, had been working on it for a long time. As we walked under the bridge there was a booming , deep , horrible voice from above. "Who goes there? How dare you enter my realm!" We would be shaking in our boots if we had not seen the big megaphone. The troll jump down and the fight was on . He fought as if he were more than just one troll. He said his name was Talent and he would teach us a lesson. At this time the unnamed fool hit us from the other side. He had all sorts of weapons. They were organized by size and usage and then by color. They were also cross referenced in a rolodex in a holster at his side. The unnamed fool said is name was Determination. He said he would fight us with the troll Talent. We all thought it weird that on the troll's left breast pocket was the name " Stumpy". As Stumpy and his unnamed fool attacked we were pulled into the river and, OH NO, toward the waterwheel . I hope no one is pulled up and over and falls into the mill stones. But alas it was meant to happen. Stumpy and the unnamed fool were pulled up the waterwheel and yes, they were dropped onto the huge, nasty, mean, grinding surface of the stones. Pulverized, squashed, torn to bits. Added to the mixture. Cooked. Melted. The Wizard Henry smiled . He had now made that special batch of glass. All he used was a little more Talent and Determination. It is with this glass that these seven beads were made.

Chapter Ten---The Best Bead Show---The Wizard Henry has said goodbye to us and sent us on our way with homemade bread , fresh milk, and dandelion cupcakes. With orange frosting.The Wizard Henry says we should meet next month in a special place many miles to the East. My Small Wizard friend is again in the form of Feline Gracie. She enjoys being in the Feline form as it giver her the ability to get into more trouble We have been walking many days now and are approaching the area where I was launched from the lounge chair. A lounge chair sounds mighty fine about now. It would be nice to settle back with a nice cool diet coke and put your feet up. Feline Gracie says she could use a few twenty hour naps also. This trip has been all too eventful for her. Up ahead I can see the lounge chairs. They are calling to me . They are calling to Feline Gracie. They are calling to the both of us. The chairs are calling us. The chairs even look to be moving. We are so tired that we are seeing moving chairs. We are very tired. The chairs are moving, and so is the ground around them. The ground is moving. No, not the ground. It is not the ground that is moving. It is the hoards of rats moving on the ground that is moving. Hoards of tailless rats. But wait. There are rats with tails. New recruit rats . Oh NO. And who are those one? . Could it be? I hope not. But yes it is. Oh NO!! Oh NO!. Union boss rats with fresh recruits. Hundreds of union boss rats with fresh recruits and hundreds of tailless rats, with frowns. They are chanting, loudly. I can almost make it out. Are they saying " Go away" or " We'll get You"? What are they saying? I hear it now. Boy are we in trouble.What the thousands of rats are saying is " Give us the cat!. Give us the cat !. Give us the cat". I asked Feline Gracie what she thinks we should do. As I turned towards her the Small Wizard says" What Cat"? We walked thru the many rats and proceeded to the meeting place where the best bead makers and sellers were soon to meet.There the buyers would soon be arriving . It will be a wonderful event. It will be a great event. Could even someone be so rude as to actually call it the Best event? Naw, No one could be that rude. So the Small Wizard and I made this last set of beads and are offering them to you for purchase. This ends my tale of glass and beads and trolls and wizards, not to mention the rats.

See you in Tucson---Oh Yea---Now you want a moral to the story. OK , You asked for one.

" Reach down deep into your soul. Grab all the talent and determination that you possess, and you can walk thru a field of rats or over a menagerie of mimes to sell the best product you are capable of selling"--Dirty Looie In Glassland--Dec 31, 2001---see you in Tucson.